Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Little Grr Things.

I cannot believe that I just realized that with all the curve balls thrown my way, I JUST NOW figured out I forgot to blog last week. Wow. I mean, in the spirit of unfiltered reality, I throw my thoughts out there, every time I get even the tiniest bit emotional, in whatever sense of the word. I am generally composing a blog of some variety in my head, most of the time. Somehow this week I managed to space it. I guess that's how my mind reacted to finding out some unpleasant things. Mind you, they were highly unsettling. Still. It's so not me to not ramble on for at least a page about it. Gotta admit, I am a bit tired of discovering the little unsettling things. Maybe that's why it threw me off so bad?? If it's not one thing it's another.
I was made aware yesterday that my blogs have drawn some attention. That was dandy to learn. It's incredibly flattering that the nonsensical wordplay splattered into a semblence of coherent madness has amused people. I am quite thrilled, truth be told. Whenever I sit and write, for relief, or pleasure, or just because it's a "burst out of my skin" kinda day, I definitely imagine a tidy little audience. Utterly enraptured with my every word, of course.
And to think I got so disjointed by the events of the week that I deprived my audience of my words of nonsensical wisdom.
For shame.
Well, Dear Reader, I sincerely apologize. The next time something-of-whatever-variety mosies in and tries to insinuate itself in my happiness, you will be the first to know. Goodness knows, the aforementioned issue was not even remotely worth the aggravation it caused me. We all know how that goes, however. Something can be highly upsetting at onset of the event, and with just a bit of time to marinate and absorb, one realizes that although the "something" was bothersome, to give it any further attention would only serve it's inital intended purpose, which was clearly to upset one's happiness.
I have to wonder just how many of you followed that ;)
Well now, I believe we are all caught up. Hope you enjoyed your latest little glimpse of my "Side of The Looking Glass"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Rainbows, Love, and Equal Rights!

Hmmmm...it's a beautiful day outside, life is great, and my mood is somewhere in the vicinty of heavenly. SO, I'm going to press into an issue that I hold near and dear to my heart. Equal rights for the GLBT community. Yup.
It's been a little while since I jumped up onto the nearest soapbox and ranted and raved about something that matters somewhere other than my own little world. I'v consumed the pre-requisite amount of caffeine and I'm ready and raring to go.
SO- why do you suppose it is that the love that so many people share is somehow considered sub-standard? I've been out and proud for more than 10 years. Attended Pride with my family, educated my children about culture, and done my best to prepare them for life in a world where love comes in many colors, genders, and aspect of the Rainbow. (on a side note, the Divine Miss Cyndi Lauper just began singing True Colors to me, totally randomly. I heart my mp3 player :)
A good many of you folks, my delightful friends, identify as heterosexual. It is your opinions that I am seeking moreso this week. I'd love to hear how you handle these issues with your kids. In your personal lives. When it matters, what do you have to say about "the Gays"?
I also REALLY want to hear why folks think that the scary right-wing Republicans, and who-knows-whomever else, are so scared to give equal rights across the board?? Why is it that the idea of allowing my partner and I, and MILLIONS of other tax paying citizens of this hot mess of a country to get married sends people scurrying away in fear?? I mean, seriously...what is so frightening about 2 humans loving and devoting their lives to each other? I also will NEVER understand what is is about GLBT relationships that affects anyone else to begin with.
....unless of course, one is insecure in their own sexuality? Sorry,I had to. You know I did.
In my own observations folls have a tendency to fear what they do not understand. SO ASK QUESTIONS. I love that the people in my life come to me, and ask freely about that which they do not understand. Also, that they love and support my life unconditionally. As is.
Not everyone has this type of love in their life though. Some are treated horribly. At work, at school, in social situations. Just a couple days ago, someone very, very precious to me experienced some of the worst hatred I have seen in quite a while now. It shattered my heart. This is why I have decided once again to question things. It's getting to be that time of year. Rallies, marches, waving that Rainbow flag as high as we can reach. Demanding yet again that we get rights equalling our heterosexual friends. Honestly folks, it's getting a bit tiresome to have to keep shouting for what should be a natural born right as a citizen of this "free" country. (that was supposed to drip with sarcasm)
Pretenders are singing about "I'll Stand By You" now. Guess we're on the same page, huh? So, I want to hear your thoughts please. Especially those of you who by the virtue of nothing more than being heterosexual, can get married. I want to hear your ideas about why it is that you think that this country is terrified to allow people in love to get married, raise families, pay taxes, and enjoy medical benfits. We get to worry that some asshole in a robe, sitting behind a bench can decide to take our kids away. Some beaurocratic jackass doctor or nurse could choose to deny us access to a terminally ill loved one. Nevermind that perhaps one may have been with the ill loved one for 50+ years. Sounds awful, no? Picture being the ones living with the reality that it could one day be you.However, I am blessed with the most open-minded, loving, loyal friends a queer chick could ever hope to have! And I want your thoughts folks! Tell me why you think this country is so scared of the beautifully diverse people from every facet of the R*A*I*N*B*O*W....:)

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Love, Faith, and Friends.

Grab onto your happiness, hold on with every ounce of strength you posess. I firmly believe in this world the only thing worth having, and fighting for, is love. It's by far the most difficult to achieve, and even harder yet to hold on to.
Faith is the ability to believe in something you cannot see or touch. Something you only know is there because your soul can recognize it. It is hard won, and generally even harder to maintain. I think few people ever really appreciate it. But, goodness, it feels stellar to achieve. For me love breeds faith, leading then to inner peace and happiness.
There are not enough words in the English language to properly articulate the crucial importance of inner peace. It's the basic component and building block for any type of stable and fullfilling existence. If you don't agree, you're more than welcome to try living without it. I have. EPIC FAIL.
This of course means tackling all those inner demons, facing your fears, and accepting that even though you have convinced everyone around you that you're happy, you're not. I think alot of people have mastered self deception. At one point I had gotten fantastic at convincing myself that I felt great. No worries. I could almost ignore that sour, sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that called me out. "FRAUD".
The most insane part about it? Tackling those inner demons was not nearly the mountain I'd built up in my head. Granted, it was a fairly respectable hill, but no match for my determination. I think inside of all of us is a force of determination to be reckoned with. Humans possess a fascinating lot of idiosynchracies. The urge to fight for one's own happiness is dominant, and still somehow we generally are own biggest challenge. Most can talk themselves into and out of just about anything. The instinct to allow others' opinions to define us is strong. The most successful, and happiest folks are the ones who figured out that it doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.
How is that for contradictive? We are semi-programmed from an early age to be conscious of what everyone thinks of us, and then conform. During our most informative years most are struggling to "fit in". What a load of hooey. When push comes to shove, and it matters the most, as an adult, the only person that matters is YOU. The only thoughts that are going to influence your life are your own. We set ourselves up for failure.
If I could go back in time, the only think I'd do different is get to know myself better when I still had the time to not learn how to always question my own thoughts. I mean, seriously, who the hell can know better than me what it's going to take to make me smile??? I think self doubt is debilitating. It shouldn't take for someone else to say "hey, you're awesome" for anyone to know it about themself.
And yeah, for the record, I am pretty awesome :) This is not an arrogant statement, it is coming directly from my sense of confidence. The knowledge that deep down I am a good person. Perhaps not the smartest, prettiest, or coolest person in the room, but awesome in my own right. I think that having the ability to even say it to myself, and BELIEVE it, makes me successful. Not needing anyone to tell me anything about myself. Though, of course, I am only human. I think it's just nothing short of wonderful that the goddess has blessed me with friends that dig who I am too. It makes me want to tell everyone I know, all the time just how wonderful they are.
For a long time, every single day, I made it a point to tell all my female friends, at least once every day, that they are beautiful. I think every woman should hear it every day. I still do it,it's just second nature now. It's not hard to remember to when I am surrounded by the most amazing, beautiful, divine women that have ever graced this earth :)
I sincerely hope each and every single one of them knows that they are stunning. As my love would put it.."perfect within their imperfections".
My life is so enriched for the diverse group of individuals I am SO PROUD to call my friends. I never dreamed that I would know such fantastic people, and somehow they all blow my mind every single day. People that are wonderful in their own right, and confident of it. It's kind of an extra super amazing concept. The way I see it, these people are super heroes, each in their own way. Strong, confident, happy. They have worked for their happiness as well, and are amazing friends.
Aahhhhh....the contentment that enlightenment breeds. Sensational feeling. I am absolutely dedicating this adventure to "The Other Side Of The Looking Glass" to my friends. The most diverse, brilliant, beautiful people I have ever encountered. Thank you, a bazillion times over, for enriching my life as you all do. It wouldn't be the paradise it is without each and every one of you in it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Just One Of Those Days

I think there ought to be a remedy one can take at the onset of "One of those days". When you open your eyes in the morning and just know, beyond a doubt that someone is going to say something, and it's going to devastate you. Now mind you, this person will have no ill intentions, is probably someone dear to you, and would never hurt your feelings on purpose.
These are the days when we reach for the remote and turn up all those drown-out-your-misery songs and eat your body weight in junk food. Or in my case chain smoke and drink 2 pots of coffee. Which extra sucks, as I have cut way back on how much I smoke. Drat.
I think the biggest challenge by far is making some semblence of coherent sense of all the rambling nonsense in your head. "Do I look fat?" "Have I been an attentive Mother lately?" "Is my partner happy and content?"
In the light of a rational day most of us would happily thump ourselves in the forehead and give ourselves a stern talking to for being so hard on ourselves. Wow. That sounded really ridiculous. Writing in the 3rd person looks bizarre!
Even as I am writing this I am going over all the random crap in my head and pondering just how much soul to bare this week.
It has been a BIG week for me. I experienced an epiphany, which led to this huge spur-of-the-moment decision to make some drastric changes within myself, thus leading to ginormous changes in my life. I am absolutely happy with said changes, and sticking with them. However in the aftermath wrapping my mind around them is kind of breath-taking.
I am a much stronger girl than I'd thought. And, for the record, I knew I was pretty strong. Turns out that when push comes to shove, I am totally capable of walking the walk. That and doing whatever it takes.
Now if I can just absorb it all. There should be a "pause" button in my head. I think most folks would like a "rewind". Not me. Every mistake I've ever made has gotten me here. To this moment. And there have been some mind-blowingly amazing moments in there. They absolutely outweigh the crap ones. (not that I would for even one second want to do any of it over again!)
Ok, time to suck it up and get my dishes done. Here's to hoping the radio plays nice.