Seeing Red

I am so mad. Picture your worst version of a fire out of control, and that is how my emotions feel, way deep down. It's unhealthy, really, but I am not able to reign them in, just yet.

I have been trying to find the words for 24 hours now, to process and share my emotions. I know that's the healthy path to self cleansing. FUCK self cleansing. I'M PISSED THE FUCK OFF.

I subscribe to a good number of Facebook pages dedicated to keeping the public informed about glbtq equality, rights, and general goings-on. My feed is filled with stories about how our rights are slowly, but with vindictive determination, being stripped away. The days ticked on, 1,2,3, and the officials allied with equal rights managed to keep putting the vote off;but the next thing we know, after numerous rallies, protests, and sing-alongs, the elected officials of the great state in Minnesota decided to allow the citizens to vote whether or not to define marriage as being "between one man, and one woman". I stayed up, Saturday night, to keep up with the action that would strip away my hope. I watched the posts, felt my anxiety and sadness rise, while my hope for the future sank like 10 ton weight.

I actually felt my heart break.

I am quite literally, as I write this, searching for words that are honest, and from my heart, and attempt to not offend anyone. Believe it or not. Every single person in my life is 100% for equal rights. I love and appreciate all of you.

But unless you're included that glbtq spectrum- you just don't get it. You cannot possibly fathom what it feels like to have someone else deciding that your relationship is valid. For that matter. WRONG. How would you explain it to your children tomorrow if the law decided that their parents can never be recognized as a couple? How would you feel if the option to be legally bound to deal with each other's bullshit and beauty was taken away from you? How would you feel facing the knowledge that if your loving, dedicated significant other was lying in a hospital bed you may not be allowed to go in their room and try to comfort them? Or that you were in danger of having your rights to children you planned for, concieved in love , and raised in a solid loving home may be taken away from you? I have beautiful, loving, compassionate friends that are married, about to be married, and landing somewhere near the middle. I will happily celebrate your unions, and the celebrations of your unions. I don't even begrudge you your freedoms. It is sometimes difficult though. I am a big enough person to admit that it is hard to watch you breeders enjoy the freedoms that I can't know. May not EVER enjoy in my lifetime. I will also admit that I am afraid it will drive a wedge within those friendships. Having said that, please don't be afraid to come to me and talk about it. I don't want to lose any of the precious people I love over things that are beyond our control.

Moving forward. According to recent statistics it will take 1.5 million voters in the state of Minnesota voting NO on the ballot to bring down this discriminatory law. Can you even wrap your mind around 1.5 million people? I keep reading about how in other states the early polling showed all this "support" of equal rights, and then on voting day somehow none of those people showed up to be counted for. Or they changed their minds. This scares me so much. I know I will cry countless tears worrying about my civil rights. I will spend a good amount of time being pissed off. It won't matter though.

That's kind of the point though, no?

A very wise person I know recently wrote about the various ways the queers can "fight back". I found it insightful and humorous. People see queers as fashionable, funny, and able to sport rainbows with flair. I am quite thankful to my gay boys, I know in a pinch they could go through my meager wardrobe and dress me for the Oscars to avoid total public humiliation. Stereotype, yes. Also true. The lesbians out there can quite possibly fix your clogged drain, change your oil, and build your kids a swingset, with nothing more than some duct-tape and bubble gum. Our bisexual community withstands all the rumors and innuendo that come with being able to love anyone, regardless of gender. Our trans, gender-queer, and everything-in-between family have to live their own personal nightmare, as well as the mainstream glbtq. Labels are debilitating to humans, and be that as it may, these stereotypes are on-point, and unfortunately lead to the breeders viewing us as weak, submissive, and easy to break. They could not be more wrong. Our hearts feel pain, our minds register judgement, and our souls ready for a fight- at all times.

We get insults thrown casually at us in the grocery store, library, and mall. Dirty looks while we walk down the street. Beaten while we wait to use a public bathroom, or attempt to enjoy a sunset evening in a park. And what do we do??

We rally. We protest. We FIGHT BACK. With love. In peace. We carry signs and bring our children to remind others and make it known that we are not in the mindset to start a violent fight. Because that is not how we work. At the very heart of the glbtq community is the concept that we "fight hate with love. "

Any advice on how to actually do that?? Because from my perspective, I have quite limited options. LOADS of willing, supportive, loving friends. But zero options. I don't know a single person that can drop everything to rally. Run to the store and buy materials for signage, flags, and various materials for displaying Pride. Or even just make the time to just show up and wave a sign or flag and chant. 9 times out of 10 it just can't or won't happen.

Which leaves me in my current state of mind. I have tried for years to forge ahead. To be proud and just hold my head high. If I may say so myself I think I have been doing a fairly decent job. But I am officially at my wits' end. I am exhausted with trying to keep the morale going. My heart aches and my soul cries for the injustice being doled out to my beautiful glbtq community. We have never hurt anyone. We have not done anything to bring about the current state of affairs. I am without any witty quips or off the cuff responses to maintain enlightenment. This is so incredibly, dauntingly, overwhelmingly sad to me.

I have lost my rainbow.

And I don't even have the first clue whom to hold accountable for this. The core values in any family are the very same as my own, I assure you. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Don't use language that could possibly offend anyone. Keep strangers' feelings in mind, regardless of whether or not they are affording you that same courtesy. My kids, and my significant other are subjected to the way of life I insist on, and they abide by the love and respect I practice in my home. So, why, I ask, is my family not afforded that same love and respect?

I just had a giant, deep sigh. I am so angry that I'm tired. I don't expect miracles to come from thin air. I don't think for a single second that just reading the words from one angry queer will change a single mind. But I will go to sleep tonight knowing that I had the courage to speak my full mind. Once again. And that I am committed to bringing about change, in whatever way I possibly can.

2012 will be a life-changing year for so many of us. It's looming in the distance, and still close enough to be fearful. I can pretty much promise you the queers in your life will be paying attention. Our very civil liberties are hanging in the balance, quite literally by a vote. It is NOT FAIR. But then again, that's no big change for us. Being treated as first-class citizens would be the big change, no?

Thank you for visiting My Side Of The Looking Glass. I hope with all my heart that your day is filled with blessed, beautiful diversity.