So, my Mother taught me all about how to love. Unconditionally. No holding back, your whole heart or nothing at all. It should be no surprise that her imminent birthday is tearing me up, already. In about a week we would have been sitting around laughing, and talking shit, and probably having a few drinks.
My Mother is never far from my mind. Anyone that tells you that grief will pass has never lost anyone they truly loved. Yes, you find a way to live with that dull, horrible ache. However it never, ever goes away. It's been 5 years, and it feels like yesterday. I am still ridiculously jealous of anyone that still has their Mother. I am well aware of how that sounds, I also do not care. You can't get it unless you've felt it. For those of you in the Dead Mom's Club, I'm sincerely sorry that you do get it.
Okay, so enough of that. My whole point is that love is a huge, powerful thing. It is a life changing emotion. Gets you all up in your feels. Has you thinking things, and feeling things that you would never in a million years have thought possible. No matter how many times it hits you. It's always different, and always changes things up. Sometimes it makes you do things that in hindsight you see made you look like an absolute lunatic. Ramifications that you will no doubt spend a very long time dealing with. But for whatever reason, at that point in time, you decided it was right for you. I genuinely believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason. I really do. Don't ask me how there was any decent reason for my Mother to be taken away. I've still got nothing on that one.
But- never allow anyone to trample on your love. If you are lucky enough to fall in love, hold onto that with all that you've got. Every bit of your strength. In the past few days I've had conversations with people I love dearly, that are going to face some difficult adversity for choosing their happiness.
Fuck that. Fuck anyone that believes they have any right to judge you and your choices. If you have found someone that lights up that special part of your heart and soul, hold them close and protect it at all costs. Maybe it's your forever. Your happily ever after. Maybe not. But either way, if it feels right and true for you, then fight for it. Love doesn't just knock on your door every day- when it does and you are given the chance to embrace it, hold on tight and don't let go. If and when it's time to let go, only you can know. Don't allow anyone to make you feel pushed into doing or saying anything.
Love is what makes this world work. If every person out there would show just a bit of love and kindness every day, it would be a completely different society. I know, yeah, right. however, I'm not cynical, I prefer to think of myself as naive. I am absolutely the last person to see that another human is a shitty person. This is not a groovy quality to possess. It never fails to suck to figure out that I've been totally screwed over. However, I continue to always assume the best in people. Another facet of my personality that my Mom instilled in me. It bit me in the ass just a few days ago. I am so fucking gullible. But I'd do the same thing again, I quite simply wouldn't know any better in the same instance,
Another type of love is that of friendship. I have less than no clue how I got SO blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love my random weirdass self, but they are out there. It sounds super cliche and corny, but I have the VERY BEST FRIENDS. You all are the absolute best of the best, I was just mentioning to my sister that I don't see how anyone can possibly maintain a genuine friendship with 800+ Facebook friends. I think I have around 160 or so, and I honestly feel on a regular basis that I am dropping the ball in being a good friend. How in any reality do you live a worthwhile real life, and still be a good friend to that many people? Unless it's all for number count, in which case I'm sad for you. Your priorities may be a bit askew. But, I will leave that at that. It's not my place to judge how anyone is choosing to live their life.
I hope all of my friends feel my love, because the one and only singular reason I can be so badass and strong is because I know there's a small army of amazing people that believe in me. Your combined strength empowers me to feel like I can always bounce back. No matter how enormous the clusterfuck I create may be. I know I have this amazing support system of people that are there, if I just speak up, whenever I dig myself yet another hole to try to claw my way out of.
So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you that find me to share your words of love, compassion, and encouragement. You are sincerely the very best. This world needs billions more exactly like the people in my bubble. If we could seriously spread just a fraction of each of your sense of compassion, and love, oh the miracles of change we could make. I shall continue to just feel grateful that I get to be someone you all love unconditionally.
So, I'm going to wrap this up now. The whole reason I was inspired to write was love. I suppose that's fairly obvious. I've got a Glee playlist going in the background. The song Need You Now just came on. It was very popular when my Mom died. I spent countless hours curled up in the tiniest ball I could be, sobbing my poofy eyes out to this song. I guess it's only appropriate that a post that was inspired by all the love she instilled in me gets finished up this way. I miss her so much that sometimes I wonder if that ache just might burn a hole clear through my chest :(
Thank you, for taking the time to visit My Side Of The Looking Glass. You all are always such a lovely audience, I sincerely appreciate you humoring me. I love you.
~Chandra
