Well, it's been yet another year since I wrote. I'm going to go ahead and blame it on lack of internet and technology access. But wow, what an eye-opening year.
I think it's entirely possible I'm the Grand Master of catastrophic, life altering decisions. Like aim the torpedo in the general direction of my life journey, and just fire away. Yikes. Just point me towards the worst possible idea, and just make some popcorn and wait for the show to begin.
On the bright side, I only have to make the fucked up choice once, and I learn my lesson. When I reflect on my last year- minus the most recent 6 months or so- (how crazy does just that bit sound??), I can't even believe how nuts it sounds. Literally. Nobody in their right mind would willingly sign up for those experiences. My Mother (RIP beautiful lady), raised me better than to slander or slam anyone outside of the privacy of a trusted circle, so I'm going to keep this clean, but trust me when I say, never legally bind yourself to a fucking legitimately crazy person. No matter how sincere they sound. The next thing you know your favorite shirt has been used to clean up dog shit, and your great grandma's wooden spoon has been chosen for the dogs chew toy. No bueno. It sucks.
However. I have to give solid props to my friends. You all know who you are. They showed up for this huge moment in my life. I fought for the right to have it for so many years. Such a long time. I picketed, stood around and held a sign, posted on social media, grabbed the nearest soapbox and gave my best speeches. I put my heart and soul into giving my very best into fighting for equal rights for my community. By some not in the least small miracle we won!! Marriage equality in Minnesota. Not long after that the whole country got on board, and now we are equal everywhere. That has zero to do with my point, it was just worth mentioning :) All the smiling faces of my small world showed up to celebrate, thank you, for that. It meant more than I could ever find words to articulate. It's unfortunate that in the end it didn't work out, but you amazing friends contributed to making that fight so absolutely worth it. However it all came down, I got to live a lifelong dream.
Now, by yet another miracle, I get to dream up, and live, yet another one. No clue how I got so lucky, but I'm not one to dwell on how the wonderful things come about. I prefer to just focus on the fact that they did.
Somehow, I met an angel. She is absolutely just something beyond words. I'll leave it at that. I don't know what dream brought her about, or how I was lucky enough to have her just float along into my bubble, but here she is.
I have been fairly open about how mental illness affects my life. It's pretty awful. Perhaps not often on my blog specifically, but that's for lack of available access. My social media absolutely shows and reflects this issue. Right about the time my personal life went all to hell, and blew up in my life, I had just begun to admit, deal with, and manage my mental illness. My diagnoses list is pretty daunting. Next thing I know I have no insurance, the medicines I've grown to depend are gone, and I am flying by the seat of my pants. Which got much bigger. Stupid stress eating. Usually stress causes complete lack of appetite. Instead I develop a sweet tooth. Whaaaa??? But I'm going to deal with that too. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small complication.
I just want to take a brief moment to remind you all- if you feel lost or alone, please reach out. I personally am always here, and I am absolutely certain that there is someone in your life that is happy and willing to help. Although I encourage you to make a list on a day when you're in a good mood to make a list of dependable people you can count on. At a dark point earlier this year I was entertaining some very sad thoughts, I called a suicide line I found on Google. They put me on hold. Seriously. I was on hold for about 5 minutes before I just gave up. My next thought was "Really?" The irony of the fact that I was sitting on hold to wait for someone to talk me out of cutting deeply enough to just be done, was enough of a reality check to just go to sleep. But I hold no delusions that it would go that way for everyone. Please get your support plan in place.
Life gets better. I know that in today's society it gets really hard to just buy into that line. Which is exactly what it sounds like. As though you can buy a t-shirt, or put a sticker on your car and that fixes everything. Possibly not even just for yourself, but in general. Sometimes it still feels like bullshit. But it is true. Sometimes you just have to give it time that you don't even feel like you have to give. That's when you reach for that list. Which I hope I am on. I will always be here to talk.
I think we've just about covered everything that needed to be caught up on. It's always a mood brightener to see how many views have floated across my blog. Of course I promote it, who knows, maybe someday enough people will want to see my thoughts that I will be able to make a living giving you all a glimpse into my inner madness. Until then, I'll take advantage of the cathartic value of spilling it with the tap, tap, tap of keystrokes.
I just want to leave you with the closing thought of this- you are loved, valued, and needed. I promise. I swear from the bottom of my heart and soul, you are a wanted and needed human being. Please- reach out if you feel yourself lost. Just don't give up. Make your happy list. If this post finds you, reach out and and add me to it. You are never alone.
Thank you, for visiting My Side Of The Looking Glass- We can all always sort through the inner madness together :)
