So, my Mother taught me all about how to love. Unconditionally. No holding back, your whole heart or nothing at all. It should be no surprise that her imminent birthday is tearing me up, already. In about a week we would have been sitting around laughing, and talking shit, and probably having a few drinks.
My Mother is never far from my mind. Anyone that tells you that grief will pass has never lost anyone they truly loved. Yes, you find a way to live with that dull, horrible ache. However it never, ever goes away. It's been 5 years, and it feels like yesterday. I am still ridiculously jealous of anyone that still has their Mother. I am well aware of how that sounds, I also do not care. You can't get it unless you've felt it. For those of you in the Dead Mom's Club, I'm sincerely sorry that you do get it.
Okay, so enough of that. My whole point is that love is a huge, powerful thing. It is a life changing emotion. Gets you all up in your feels. Has you thinking things, and feeling things that you would never in a million years have thought possible. No matter how many times it hits you. It's always different, and always changes things up. Sometimes it makes you do things that in hindsight you see made you look like an absolute lunatic. Ramifications that you will no doubt spend a very long time dealing with. But for whatever reason, at that point in time, you decided it was right for you. I genuinely believe that absolutely everything happens for a reason. I really do. Don't ask me how there was any decent reason for my Mother to be taken away. I've still got nothing on that one.
But- never allow anyone to trample on your love. If you are lucky enough to fall in love, hold onto that with all that you've got. Every bit of your strength. In the past few days I've had conversations with people I love dearly, that are going to face some difficult adversity for choosing their happiness.
Fuck that. Fuck anyone that believes they have any right to judge you and your choices. If you have found someone that lights up that special part of your heart and soul, hold them close and protect it at all costs. Maybe it's your forever. Your happily ever after. Maybe not. But either way, if it feels right and true for you, then fight for it. Love doesn't just knock on your door every day- when it does and you are given the chance to embrace it, hold on tight and don't let go. If and when it's time to let go, only you can know. Don't allow anyone to make you feel pushed into doing or saying anything.
Love is what makes this world work. If every person out there would show just a bit of love and kindness every day, it would be a completely different society. I know, yeah, right. however, I'm not cynical, I prefer to think of myself as naive. I am absolutely the last person to see that another human is a shitty person. This is not a groovy quality to possess. It never fails to suck to figure out that I've been totally screwed over. However, I continue to always assume the best in people. Another facet of my personality that my Mom instilled in me. It bit me in the ass just a few days ago. I am so fucking gullible. But I'd do the same thing again, I quite simply wouldn't know any better in the same instance,
Another type of love is that of friendship. I have less than no clue how I got SO blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love my random weirdass self, but they are out there. It sounds super cliche and corny, but I have the VERY BEST FRIENDS. You all are the absolute best of the best, I was just mentioning to my sister that I don't see how anyone can possibly maintain a genuine friendship with 800+ Facebook friends. I think I have around 160 or so, and I honestly feel on a regular basis that I am dropping the ball in being a good friend. How in any reality do you live a worthwhile real life, and still be a good friend to that many people? Unless it's all for number count, in which case I'm sad for you. Your priorities may be a bit askew. But, I will leave that at that. It's not my place to judge how anyone is choosing to live their life.
I hope all of my friends feel my love, because the one and only singular reason I can be so badass and strong is because I know there's a small army of amazing people that believe in me. Your combined strength empowers me to feel like I can always bounce back. No matter how enormous the clusterfuck I create may be. I know I have this amazing support system of people that are there, if I just speak up, whenever I dig myself yet another hole to try to claw my way out of.
So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you that find me to share your words of love, compassion, and encouragement. You are sincerely the very best. This world needs billions more exactly like the people in my bubble. If we could seriously spread just a fraction of each of your sense of compassion, and love, oh the miracles of change we could make. I shall continue to just feel grateful that I get to be someone you all love unconditionally.
So, I'm going to wrap this up now. The whole reason I was inspired to write was love. I suppose that's fairly obvious. I've got a Glee playlist going in the background. The song Need You Now just came on. It was very popular when my Mom died. I spent countless hours curled up in the tiniest ball I could be, sobbing my poofy eyes out to this song. I guess it's only appropriate that a post that was inspired by all the love she instilled in me gets finished up this way. I miss her so much that sometimes I wonder if that ache just might burn a hole clear through my chest :(
Thank you, for taking the time to visit My Side Of The Looking Glass. You all are always such a lovely audience, I sincerely appreciate you humoring me. I love you.
~Chandra
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
It Doesn't Always Feel Like It Will Actually Get Better- But It Will
Well, it's been yet another year since I wrote. I'm going to go ahead and blame it on lack of internet and technology access. But wow, what an eye-opening year.
I think it's entirely possible I'm the Grand Master of catastrophic, life altering decisions. Like aim the torpedo in the general direction of my life journey, and just fire away. Yikes. Just point me towards the worst possible idea, and just make some popcorn and wait for the show to begin.
On the bright side, I only have to make the fucked up choice once, and I learn my lesson. When I reflect on my last year- minus the most recent 6 months or so- (how crazy does just that bit sound??), I can't even believe how nuts it sounds. Literally. Nobody in their right mind would willingly sign up for those experiences. My Mother (RIP beautiful lady), raised me better than to slander or slam anyone outside of the privacy of a trusted circle, so I'm going to keep this clean, but trust me when I say, never legally bind yourself to a fucking legitimately crazy person. No matter how sincere they sound. The next thing you know your favorite shirt has been used to clean up dog shit, and your great grandma's wooden spoon has been chosen for the dogs chew toy. No bueno. It sucks.
However. I have to give solid props to my friends. You all know who you are. They showed up for this huge moment in my life. I fought for the right to have it for so many years. Such a long time. I picketed, stood around and held a sign, posted on social media, grabbed the nearest soapbox and gave my best speeches. I put my heart and soul into giving my very best into fighting for equal rights for my community. By some not in the least small miracle we won!! Marriage equality in Minnesota. Not long after that the whole country got on board, and now we are equal everywhere. That has zero to do with my point, it was just worth mentioning :) All the smiling faces of my small world showed up to celebrate, thank you, for that. It meant more than I could ever find words to articulate. It's unfortunate that in the end it didn't work out, but you amazing friends contributed to making that fight so absolutely worth it. However it all came down, I got to live a lifelong dream.
Now, by yet another miracle, I get to dream up, and live, yet another one. No clue how I got so lucky, but I'm not one to dwell on how the wonderful things come about. I prefer to just focus on the fact that they did.
Somehow, I met an angel. She is absolutely just something beyond words. I'll leave it at that. I don't know what dream brought her about, or how I was lucky enough to have her just float along into my bubble, but here she is.
I have been fairly open about how mental illness affects my life. It's pretty awful. Perhaps not often on my blog specifically, but that's for lack of available access. My social media absolutely shows and reflects this issue. Right about the time my personal life went all to hell, and blew up in my life, I had just begun to admit, deal with, and manage my mental illness. My diagnoses list is pretty daunting. Next thing I know I have no insurance, the medicines I've grown to depend are gone, and I am flying by the seat of my pants. Which got much bigger. Stupid stress eating. Usually stress causes complete lack of appetite. Instead I develop a sweet tooth. Whaaaa??? But I'm going to deal with that too. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small complication.
I just want to take a brief moment to remind you all- if you feel lost or alone, please reach out. I personally am always here, and I am absolutely certain that there is someone in your life that is happy and willing to help. Although I encourage you to make a list on a day when you're in a good mood to make a list of dependable people you can count on. At a dark point earlier this year I was entertaining some very sad thoughts, I called a suicide line I found on Google. They put me on hold. Seriously. I was on hold for about 5 minutes before I just gave up. My next thought was "Really?" The irony of the fact that I was sitting on hold to wait for someone to talk me out of cutting deeply enough to just be done, was enough of a reality check to just go to sleep. But I hold no delusions that it would go that way for everyone. Please get your support plan in place.
Life gets better. I know that in today's society it gets really hard to just buy into that line. Which is exactly what it sounds like. As though you can buy a t-shirt, or put a sticker on your car and that fixes everything. Possibly not even just for yourself, but in general. Sometimes it still feels like bullshit. But it is true. Sometimes you just have to give it time that you don't even feel like you have to give. That's when you reach for that list. Which I hope I am on. I will always be here to talk.
I think we've just about covered everything that needed to be caught up on. It's always a mood brightener to see how many views have floated across my blog. Of course I promote it, who knows, maybe someday enough people will want to see my thoughts that I will be able to make a living giving you all a glimpse into my inner madness. Until then, I'll take advantage of the cathartic value of spilling it with the tap, tap, tap of keystrokes.
I just want to leave you with the closing thought of this- you are loved, valued, and needed. I promise. I swear from the bottom of my heart and soul, you are a wanted and needed human being. Please- reach out if you feel yourself lost. Just don't give up. Make your happy list. If this post finds you, reach out and and add me to it. You are never alone.
Thank you, for visiting My Side Of The Looking Glass- We can all always sort through the inner madness together :)
I think it's entirely possible I'm the Grand Master of catastrophic, life altering decisions. Like aim the torpedo in the general direction of my life journey, and just fire away. Yikes. Just point me towards the worst possible idea, and just make some popcorn and wait for the show to begin.
On the bright side, I only have to make the fucked up choice once, and I learn my lesson. When I reflect on my last year- minus the most recent 6 months or so- (how crazy does just that bit sound??), I can't even believe how nuts it sounds. Literally. Nobody in their right mind would willingly sign up for those experiences. My Mother (RIP beautiful lady), raised me better than to slander or slam anyone outside of the privacy of a trusted circle, so I'm going to keep this clean, but trust me when I say, never legally bind yourself to a fucking legitimately crazy person. No matter how sincere they sound. The next thing you know your favorite shirt has been used to clean up dog shit, and your great grandma's wooden spoon has been chosen for the dogs chew toy. No bueno. It sucks.
However. I have to give solid props to my friends. You all know who you are. They showed up for this huge moment in my life. I fought for the right to have it for so many years. Such a long time. I picketed, stood around and held a sign, posted on social media, grabbed the nearest soapbox and gave my best speeches. I put my heart and soul into giving my very best into fighting for equal rights for my community. By some not in the least small miracle we won!! Marriage equality in Minnesota. Not long after that the whole country got on board, and now we are equal everywhere. That has zero to do with my point, it was just worth mentioning :) All the smiling faces of my small world showed up to celebrate, thank you, for that. It meant more than I could ever find words to articulate. It's unfortunate that in the end it didn't work out, but you amazing friends contributed to making that fight so absolutely worth it. However it all came down, I got to live a lifelong dream.
Now, by yet another miracle, I get to dream up, and live, yet another one. No clue how I got so lucky, but I'm not one to dwell on how the wonderful things come about. I prefer to just focus on the fact that they did.
Somehow, I met an angel. She is absolutely just something beyond words. I'll leave it at that. I don't know what dream brought her about, or how I was lucky enough to have her just float along into my bubble, but here she is.
I have been fairly open about how mental illness affects my life. It's pretty awful. Perhaps not often on my blog specifically, but that's for lack of available access. My social media absolutely shows and reflects this issue. Right about the time my personal life went all to hell, and blew up in my life, I had just begun to admit, deal with, and manage my mental illness. My diagnoses list is pretty daunting. Next thing I know I have no insurance, the medicines I've grown to depend are gone, and I am flying by the seat of my pants. Which got much bigger. Stupid stress eating. Usually stress causes complete lack of appetite. Instead I develop a sweet tooth. Whaaaa??? But I'm going to deal with that too. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small complication.
I just want to take a brief moment to remind you all- if you feel lost or alone, please reach out. I personally am always here, and I am absolutely certain that there is someone in your life that is happy and willing to help. Although I encourage you to make a list on a day when you're in a good mood to make a list of dependable people you can count on. At a dark point earlier this year I was entertaining some very sad thoughts, I called a suicide line I found on Google. They put me on hold. Seriously. I was on hold for about 5 minutes before I just gave up. My next thought was "Really?" The irony of the fact that I was sitting on hold to wait for someone to talk me out of cutting deeply enough to just be done, was enough of a reality check to just go to sleep. But I hold no delusions that it would go that way for everyone. Please get your support plan in place.
Life gets better. I know that in today's society it gets really hard to just buy into that line. Which is exactly what it sounds like. As though you can buy a t-shirt, or put a sticker on your car and that fixes everything. Possibly not even just for yourself, but in general. Sometimes it still feels like bullshit. But it is true. Sometimes you just have to give it time that you don't even feel like you have to give. That's when you reach for that list. Which I hope I am on. I will always be here to talk.
I think we've just about covered everything that needed to be caught up on. It's always a mood brightener to see how many views have floated across my blog. Of course I promote it, who knows, maybe someday enough people will want to see my thoughts that I will be able to make a living giving you all a glimpse into my inner madness. Until then, I'll take advantage of the cathartic value of spilling it with the tap, tap, tap of keystrokes.
I just want to leave you with the closing thought of this- you are loved, valued, and needed. I promise. I swear from the bottom of my heart and soul, you are a wanted and needed human being. Please- reach out if you feel yourself lost. Just don't give up. Make your happy list. If this post finds you, reach out and and add me to it. You are never alone.
Thank you, for visiting My Side Of The Looking Glass- We can all always sort through the inner madness together :)
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