Today was a turning point for my lil family. I honestly didn't really know what to think I would feel on this day, when thinking about it, eons ago. My beautiful, brilliant daughter spent her first major holiday with her biological father. The culimination of this day has come and passed, and it went really smoothly.
Somewhere in the neighborhood of sixteen years ago I was pregnant with my first baby, and getting ready to pop! I had my Mom, family, and a handful of close friends to keep me company and remind me that I could in fact "do this!". The individual that had unwittingly blessed me with this precious baby had moved on, to the best of his ability. For the record, I had mostly written him off and forgiven him, as much as anyone with horrid acid reflux and the loss of being able to see her feet can do. Granted, I was not naive, nor had I gotten into the situation against my own will. I chose to have,keep, and raise my baby. With or without his input. I was feeling strong, independent and determined to give my daughter everything.
Life has been interesting for us. I have to give my family a whole lot of credit for being there for us, and being willing to make sure she had as much as we could possibly give to her. Over time things were bumpy, to say the least. Our family as a whole went through more than anyone should have to endure, but the fact is that it's a New World out there and things are tough for everyone. My beautiful baby girl and I were blessed to be surrounded by people that wanted to see us succeed.
Fast forward to the present, approximately 6 months ago. With just a bit of luck, the goddesses of fate provided my daughter with the opportunity to find her birth Father online. His Facebook, to be exact. What are the odds?? Seriously. She asked me a few questions to verify that it was him, and I knew beyond a doubt that she'd found him. This meant life was about to change drastically, yet again.
At first it seemed he wanted to be a huge part of her life, make up for all that time he'd lost. Yadda, yadda, yadda. He also managed to dissapoint her at pretty much every opportunity. He would blow off her text messages, not call her back, and make her feel less-than, whenever he could. Little did I know or guess that he and his whole family were actually prepared to work for her trust. I believe from the bottom of my heart that his Mother, who resides on somewhere near to my side of the rainbow, needs, wants, and misses my daughter in her life. She got a total of an hour with my baby when she was 2 weeks old, and that's more than enough time to fall in love with any baby, let alone your Granddaughter.
My daughter went to her first holiday with that part of her family today. She was caught off guard right away just by the invitation. Then she had to make sure that myself, and the only Father she'd known for 16 years would not be upset with her for wanting to make plans with that family. I can only speak for myself, but it stung. I wanted to object, but how? The fact is that my beautiful baby deserves to have every part of her family actively participating in her life. However it may have made me feel, they are her family. She needs them in her life.
So, at around 11 a.m. today, my baby was picked up by her other family, and left for her first holiday barbeque with them. I was incredibly nervous for her, and wanted very much for the day to go smoothly for her.
I didn't need to worry at all.
They made her feel completely included. Her birth Father took her to the house he and his fiance have purchased. They showed her windows, told her things about the neighborhood, and she and her half-sister built a fort out of the left over boxes from the miscellaneous boxes left behind from the building of the house. It was made very obvious that she is wanted in their lives. After the tour of the new home they all went back to his Mother and her Significant Other's home, and they had dessert. She was also presented with a diamond necklace that it would take me a years' worth of paychecks to buy. Around that same time she noticed that among the photos framed on her Grandmother's fireplace was the one of her as a baby, the only one I'd ever given her Father. I love that her Grandmother never let go of her. My daughter deserves at the very least that kind of devotion.
The best part the this experience was, for me, the conclusion. My daughter came home, shared with me all of the events of her day, and was just sincerely happy to be home. It gave me a whole lot of peace of mind. Our home was filled with laughter, conversation, and love for several hours this evening while we all settled in and got ready for our weekend to come to a close. All of us contemplating our plans for tomorrow and finishing up enjoying today.
This chapter of the Looking Glass is dedicated to seeing what's best for people you love, even if it's not necessarily what you would choose for them. You can't always foresee the sunshine and rainbow,sometimes it just breaks free if the rain with no warning at all.
Thank you for visiting My Side Of The Looking Glass. I hope your tomorrow is filled with beautiful diversity as well :)
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Little Grr Things.
I cannot believe that I just realized that with all the curve balls thrown my way, I JUST NOW figured out I forgot to blog last week. Wow. I mean, in the spirit of unfiltered reality, I throw my thoughts out there, every time I get even the tiniest bit emotional, in whatever sense of the word. I am generally composing a blog of some variety in my head, most of the time. Somehow this week I managed to space it. I guess that's how my mind reacted to finding out some unpleasant things. Mind you, they were highly unsettling. Still. It's so not me to not ramble on for at least a page about it. Gotta admit, I am a bit tired of discovering the little unsettling things. Maybe that's why it threw me off so bad?? If it's not one thing it's another.
I was made aware yesterday that my blogs have drawn some attention. That was dandy to learn. It's incredibly flattering that the nonsensical wordplay splattered into a semblence of coherent madness has amused people. I am quite thrilled, truth be told. Whenever I sit and write, for relief, or pleasure, or just because it's a "burst out of my skin" kinda day, I definitely imagine a tidy little audience. Utterly enraptured with my every word, of course.
And to think I got so disjointed by the events of the week that I deprived my audience of my words of nonsensical wisdom.
For shame.
Well, Dear Reader, I sincerely apologize. The next time something-of-whatever-variety mosies in and tries to insinuate itself in my happiness, you will be the first to know. Goodness knows, the aforementioned issue was not even remotely worth the aggravation it caused me. We all know how that goes, however. Something can be highly upsetting at onset of the event, and with just a bit of time to marinate and absorb, one realizes that although the "something" was bothersome, to give it any further attention would only serve it's inital intended purpose, which was clearly to upset one's happiness.
I have to wonder just how many of you followed that ;)
Well now, I believe we are all caught up. Hope you enjoyed your latest little glimpse of my "Side of The Looking Glass"
I was made aware yesterday that my blogs have drawn some attention. That was dandy to learn. It's incredibly flattering that the nonsensical wordplay splattered into a semblence of coherent madness has amused people. I am quite thrilled, truth be told. Whenever I sit and write, for relief, or pleasure, or just because it's a "burst out of my skin" kinda day, I definitely imagine a tidy little audience. Utterly enraptured with my every word, of course.
And to think I got so disjointed by the events of the week that I deprived my audience of my words of nonsensical wisdom.
For shame.
Well, Dear Reader, I sincerely apologize. The next time something-of-whatever-variety mosies in and tries to insinuate itself in my happiness, you will be the first to know. Goodness knows, the aforementioned issue was not even remotely worth the aggravation it caused me. We all know how that goes, however. Something can be highly upsetting at onset of the event, and with just a bit of time to marinate and absorb, one realizes that although the "something" was bothersome, to give it any further attention would only serve it's inital intended purpose, which was clearly to upset one's happiness.
I have to wonder just how many of you followed that ;)
Well now, I believe we are all caught up. Hope you enjoyed your latest little glimpse of my "Side of The Looking Glass"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Rainbows, Love, and Equal Rights!
Hmmmm...it's a beautiful day outside, life is great, and my mood is somewhere in the vicinty of heavenly. SO, I'm going to press into an issue that I hold near and dear to my heart. Equal rights for the GLBT community. Yup.
It's been a little while since I jumped up onto the nearest soapbox and ranted and raved about something that matters somewhere other than my own little world. I'v consumed the pre-requisite amount of caffeine and I'm ready and raring to go.
SO- why do you suppose it is that the love that so many people share is somehow considered sub-standard? I've been out and proud for more than 10 years. Attended Pride with my family, educated my children about culture, and done my best to prepare them for life in a world where love comes in many colors, genders, and aspect of the Rainbow. (on a side note, the Divine Miss Cyndi Lauper just began singing True Colors to me, totally randomly. I heart my mp3 player :)
A good many of you folks, my delightful friends, identify as heterosexual. It is your opinions that I am seeking moreso this week. I'd love to hear how you handle these issues with your kids. In your personal lives. When it matters, what do you have to say about "the Gays"?
I also REALLY want to hear why folks think that the scary right-wing Republicans, and who-knows-whomever else, are so scared to give equal rights across the board?? Why is it that the idea of allowing my partner and I, and MILLIONS of other tax paying citizens of this hot mess of a country to get married sends people scurrying away in fear?? I mean, seriously...what is so frightening about 2 humans loving and devoting their lives to each other? I also will NEVER understand what is is about GLBT relationships that affects anyone else to begin with.
....unless of course, one is insecure in their own sexuality? Sorry,I had to. You know I did.
In my own observations folls have a tendency to fear what they do not understand. SO ASK QUESTIONS. I love that the people in my life come to me, and ask freely about that which they do not understand. Also, that they love and support my life unconditionally. As is.
Not everyone has this type of love in their life though. Some are treated horribly. At work, at school, in social situations. Just a couple days ago, someone very, very precious to me experienced some of the worst hatred I have seen in quite a while now. It shattered my heart. This is why I have decided once again to question things. It's getting to be that time of year. Rallies, marches, waving that Rainbow flag as high as we can reach. Demanding yet again that we get rights equalling our heterosexual friends. Honestly folks, it's getting a bit tiresome to have to keep shouting for what should be a natural born right as a citizen of this "free" country. (that was supposed to drip with sarcasm)
Pretenders are singing about "I'll Stand By You" now. Guess we're on the same page, huh? So, I want to hear your thoughts please. Especially those of you who by the virtue of nothing more than being heterosexual, can get married. I want to hear your ideas about why it is that you think that this country is terrified to allow people in love to get married, raise families, pay taxes, and enjoy medical benfits. We get to worry that some asshole in a robe, sitting behind a bench can decide to take our kids away. Some beaurocratic jackass doctor or nurse could choose to deny us access to a terminally ill loved one. Nevermind that perhaps one may have been with the ill loved one for 50+ years. Sounds awful, no? Picture being the ones living with the reality that it could one day be you.However, I am blessed with the most open-minded, loving, loyal friends a queer chick could ever hope to have! And I want your thoughts folks! Tell me why you think this country is so scared of the beautifully diverse people from every facet of the R*A*I*N*B*O*W....:)
It's been a little while since I jumped up onto the nearest soapbox and ranted and raved about something that matters somewhere other than my own little world. I'v consumed the pre-requisite amount of caffeine and I'm ready and raring to go.
SO- why do you suppose it is that the love that so many people share is somehow considered sub-standard? I've been out and proud for more than 10 years. Attended Pride with my family, educated my children about culture, and done my best to prepare them for life in a world where love comes in many colors, genders, and aspect of the Rainbow. (on a side note, the Divine Miss Cyndi Lauper just began singing True Colors to me, totally randomly. I heart my mp3 player :)
A good many of you folks, my delightful friends, identify as heterosexual. It is your opinions that I am seeking moreso this week. I'd love to hear how you handle these issues with your kids. In your personal lives. When it matters, what do you have to say about "the Gays"?
I also REALLY want to hear why folks think that the scary right-wing Republicans, and who-knows-whomever else, are so scared to give equal rights across the board?? Why is it that the idea of allowing my partner and I, and MILLIONS of other tax paying citizens of this hot mess of a country to get married sends people scurrying away in fear?? I mean, seriously...what is so frightening about 2 humans loving and devoting their lives to each other? I also will NEVER understand what is is about GLBT relationships that affects anyone else to begin with.
....unless of course, one is insecure in their own sexuality? Sorry,I had to. You know I did.
In my own observations folls have a tendency to fear what they do not understand. SO ASK QUESTIONS. I love that the people in my life come to me, and ask freely about that which they do not understand. Also, that they love and support my life unconditionally. As is.
Not everyone has this type of love in their life though. Some are treated horribly. At work, at school, in social situations. Just a couple days ago, someone very, very precious to me experienced some of the worst hatred I have seen in quite a while now. It shattered my heart. This is why I have decided once again to question things. It's getting to be that time of year. Rallies, marches, waving that Rainbow flag as high as we can reach. Demanding yet again that we get rights equalling our heterosexual friends. Honestly folks, it's getting a bit tiresome to have to keep shouting for what should be a natural born right as a citizen of this "free" country. (that was supposed to drip with sarcasm)
Pretenders are singing about "I'll Stand By You" now. Guess we're on the same page, huh? So, I want to hear your thoughts please. Especially those of you who by the virtue of nothing more than being heterosexual, can get married. I want to hear your ideas about why it is that you think that this country is terrified to allow people in love to get married, raise families, pay taxes, and enjoy medical benfits. We get to worry that some asshole in a robe, sitting behind a bench can decide to take our kids away. Some beaurocratic jackass doctor or nurse could choose to deny us access to a terminally ill loved one. Nevermind that perhaps one may have been with the ill loved one for 50+ years. Sounds awful, no? Picture being the ones living with the reality that it could one day be you.However, I am blessed with the most open-minded, loving, loyal friends a queer chick could ever hope to have! And I want your thoughts folks! Tell me why you think this country is so scared of the beautifully diverse people from every facet of the R*A*I*N*B*O*W....:)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Love, Faith, and Friends.
Grab onto your happiness, hold on with every ounce of strength you posess. I firmly believe in this world the only thing worth having, and fighting for, is love. It's by far the most difficult to achieve, and even harder yet to hold on to.
Faith is the ability to believe in something you cannot see or touch. Something you only know is there because your soul can recognize it. It is hard won, and generally even harder to maintain. I think few people ever really appreciate it. But, goodness, it feels stellar to achieve. For me love breeds faith, leading then to inner peace and happiness.
There are not enough words in the English language to properly articulate the crucial importance of inner peace. It's the basic component and building block for any type of stable and fullfilling existence. If you don't agree, you're more than welcome to try living without it. I have. EPIC FAIL.
This of course means tackling all those inner demons, facing your fears, and accepting that even though you have convinced everyone around you that you're happy, you're not. I think alot of people have mastered self deception. At one point I had gotten fantastic at convincing myself that I felt great. No worries. I could almost ignore that sour, sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that called me out. "FRAUD".
The most insane part about it? Tackling those inner demons was not nearly the mountain I'd built up in my head. Granted, it was a fairly respectable hill, but no match for my determination. I think inside of all of us is a force of determination to be reckoned with. Humans possess a fascinating lot of idiosynchracies. The urge to fight for one's own happiness is dominant, and still somehow we generally are own biggest challenge. Most can talk themselves into and out of just about anything. The instinct to allow others' opinions to define us is strong. The most successful, and happiest folks are the ones who figured out that it doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.
How is that for contradictive? We are semi-programmed from an early age to be conscious of what everyone thinks of us, and then conform. During our most informative years most are struggling to "fit in". What a load of hooey. When push comes to shove, and it matters the most, as an adult, the only person that matters is YOU. The only thoughts that are going to influence your life are your own. We set ourselves up for failure.
If I could go back in time, the only think I'd do different is get to know myself better when I still had the time to not learn how to always question my own thoughts. I mean, seriously, who the hell can know better than me what it's going to take to make me smile??? I think self doubt is debilitating. It shouldn't take for someone else to say "hey, you're awesome" for anyone to know it about themself.
And yeah, for the record, I am pretty awesome :) This is not an arrogant statement, it is coming directly from my sense of confidence. The knowledge that deep down I am a good person. Perhaps not the smartest, prettiest, or coolest person in the room, but awesome in my own right. I think that having the ability to even say it to myself, and BELIEVE it, makes me successful. Not needing anyone to tell me anything about myself. Though, of course, I am only human. I think it's just nothing short of wonderful that the goddess has blessed me with friends that dig who I am too. It makes me want to tell everyone I know, all the time just how wonderful they are.
For a long time, every single day, I made it a point to tell all my female friends, at least once every day, that they are beautiful. I think every woman should hear it every day. I still do it,it's just second nature now. It's not hard to remember to when I am surrounded by the most amazing, beautiful, divine women that have ever graced this earth :)
I sincerely hope each and every single one of them knows that they are stunning. As my love would put it.."perfect within their imperfections".
My life is so enriched for the diverse group of individuals I am SO PROUD to call my friends. I never dreamed that I would know such fantastic people, and somehow they all blow my mind every single day. People that are wonderful in their own right, and confident of it. It's kind of an extra super amazing concept. The way I see it, these people are super heroes, each in their own way. Strong, confident, happy. They have worked for their happiness as well, and are amazing friends.
Aahhhhh....the contentment that enlightenment breeds. Sensational feeling. I am absolutely dedicating this adventure to "The Other Side Of The Looking Glass" to my friends. The most diverse, brilliant, beautiful people I have ever encountered. Thank you, a bazillion times over, for enriching my life as you all do. It wouldn't be the paradise it is without each and every one of you in it.
Faith is the ability to believe in something you cannot see or touch. Something you only know is there because your soul can recognize it. It is hard won, and generally even harder to maintain. I think few people ever really appreciate it. But, goodness, it feels stellar to achieve. For me love breeds faith, leading then to inner peace and happiness.
There are not enough words in the English language to properly articulate the crucial importance of inner peace. It's the basic component and building block for any type of stable and fullfilling existence. If you don't agree, you're more than welcome to try living without it. I have. EPIC FAIL.
This of course means tackling all those inner demons, facing your fears, and accepting that even though you have convinced everyone around you that you're happy, you're not. I think alot of people have mastered self deception. At one point I had gotten fantastic at convincing myself that I felt great. No worries. I could almost ignore that sour, sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach that called me out. "FRAUD".
The most insane part about it? Tackling those inner demons was not nearly the mountain I'd built up in my head. Granted, it was a fairly respectable hill, but no match for my determination. I think inside of all of us is a force of determination to be reckoned with. Humans possess a fascinating lot of idiosynchracies. The urge to fight for one's own happiness is dominant, and still somehow we generally are own biggest challenge. Most can talk themselves into and out of just about anything. The instinct to allow others' opinions to define us is strong. The most successful, and happiest folks are the ones who figured out that it doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.
How is that for contradictive? We are semi-programmed from an early age to be conscious of what everyone thinks of us, and then conform. During our most informative years most are struggling to "fit in". What a load of hooey. When push comes to shove, and it matters the most, as an adult, the only person that matters is YOU. The only thoughts that are going to influence your life are your own. We set ourselves up for failure.
If I could go back in time, the only think I'd do different is get to know myself better when I still had the time to not learn how to always question my own thoughts. I mean, seriously, who the hell can know better than me what it's going to take to make me smile??? I think self doubt is debilitating. It shouldn't take for someone else to say "hey, you're awesome" for anyone to know it about themself.
And yeah, for the record, I am pretty awesome :) This is not an arrogant statement, it is coming directly from my sense of confidence. The knowledge that deep down I am a good person. Perhaps not the smartest, prettiest, or coolest person in the room, but awesome in my own right. I think that having the ability to even say it to myself, and BELIEVE it, makes me successful. Not needing anyone to tell me anything about myself. Though, of course, I am only human. I think it's just nothing short of wonderful that the goddess has blessed me with friends that dig who I am too. It makes me want to tell everyone I know, all the time just how wonderful they are.
For a long time, every single day, I made it a point to tell all my female friends, at least once every day, that they are beautiful. I think every woman should hear it every day. I still do it,it's just second nature now. It's not hard to remember to when I am surrounded by the most amazing, beautiful, divine women that have ever graced this earth :)
I sincerely hope each and every single one of them knows that they are stunning. As my love would put it.."perfect within their imperfections".
My life is so enriched for the diverse group of individuals I am SO PROUD to call my friends. I never dreamed that I would know such fantastic people, and somehow they all blow my mind every single day. People that are wonderful in their own right, and confident of it. It's kind of an extra super amazing concept. The way I see it, these people are super heroes, each in their own way. Strong, confident, happy. They have worked for their happiness as well, and are amazing friends.
Aahhhhh....the contentment that enlightenment breeds. Sensational feeling. I am absolutely dedicating this adventure to "The Other Side Of The Looking Glass" to my friends. The most diverse, brilliant, beautiful people I have ever encountered. Thank you, a bazillion times over, for enriching my life as you all do. It wouldn't be the paradise it is without each and every one of you in it.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Just One Of Those Days
I think there ought to be a remedy one can take at the onset of "One of those days". When you open your eyes in the morning and just know, beyond a doubt that someone is going to say something, and it's going to devastate you. Now mind you, this person will have no ill intentions, is probably someone dear to you, and would never hurt your feelings on purpose.
These are the days when we reach for the remote and turn up all those drown-out-your-misery songs and eat your body weight in junk food. Or in my case chain smoke and drink 2 pots of coffee. Which extra sucks, as I have cut way back on how much I smoke. Drat.
I think the biggest challenge by far is making some semblence of coherent sense of all the rambling nonsense in your head. "Do I look fat?" "Have I been an attentive Mother lately?" "Is my partner happy and content?"
In the light of a rational day most of us would happily thump ourselves in the forehead and give ourselves a stern talking to for being so hard on ourselves. Wow. That sounded really ridiculous. Writing in the 3rd person looks bizarre!
Even as I am writing this I am going over all the random crap in my head and pondering just how much soul to bare this week.
It has been a BIG week for me. I experienced an epiphany, which led to this huge spur-of-the-moment decision to make some drastric changes within myself, thus leading to ginormous changes in my life. I am absolutely happy with said changes, and sticking with them. However in the aftermath wrapping my mind around them is kind of breath-taking.
I am a much stronger girl than I'd thought. And, for the record, I knew I was pretty strong. Turns out that when push comes to shove, I am totally capable of walking the walk. That and doing whatever it takes.
Now if I can just absorb it all. There should be a "pause" button in my head. I think most folks would like a "rewind". Not me. Every mistake I've ever made has gotten me here. To this moment. And there have been some mind-blowingly amazing moments in there. They absolutely outweigh the crap ones. (not that I would for even one second want to do any of it over again!)
Ok, time to suck it up and get my dishes done. Here's to hoping the radio plays nice.
These are the days when we reach for the remote and turn up all those drown-out-your-misery songs and eat your body weight in junk food. Or in my case chain smoke and drink 2 pots of coffee. Which extra sucks, as I have cut way back on how much I smoke. Drat.
I think the biggest challenge by far is making some semblence of coherent sense of all the rambling nonsense in your head. "Do I look fat?" "Have I been an attentive Mother lately?" "Is my partner happy and content?"
In the light of a rational day most of us would happily thump ourselves in the forehead and give ourselves a stern talking to for being so hard on ourselves. Wow. That sounded really ridiculous. Writing in the 3rd person looks bizarre!
Even as I am writing this I am going over all the random crap in my head and pondering just how much soul to bare this week.
It has been a BIG week for me. I experienced an epiphany, which led to this huge spur-of-the-moment decision to make some drastric changes within myself, thus leading to ginormous changes in my life. I am absolutely happy with said changes, and sticking with them. However in the aftermath wrapping my mind around them is kind of breath-taking.
I am a much stronger girl than I'd thought. And, for the record, I knew I was pretty strong. Turns out that when push comes to shove, I am totally capable of walking the walk. That and doing whatever it takes.
Now if I can just absorb it all. There should be a "pause" button in my head. I think most folks would like a "rewind". Not me. Every mistake I've ever made has gotten me here. To this moment. And there have been some mind-blowingly amazing moments in there. They absolutely outweigh the crap ones. (not that I would for even one second want to do any of it over again!)
Ok, time to suck it up and get my dishes done. Here's to hoping the radio plays nice.
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